Women Don't Hate Men
Women. Don't. Hate. All. Men.
Many of us are blessed to love so many men in our lives. We love our fathers, brothers, nephews, friends, husbands, sons, boyfriends, uncles, teachers, coworkers, bosses, and great neighbors.
I love my dad, my nephew, my favorite uncle, my godfather, and my grandpas who are no longer with us. I love my friends, the men in my life I am blessed to call confidants.
But here’s women’s two-pronged conundrum:
1. We have no way of knowing a stranger's intentions.
2. Violence is statistically more common among people who are known to each other.
Please, please understand how exhausting hypervigilance is when we have to protect ourselves from strangers and people we know. As terrifying as it is to be harassed (or worse) by a stranger, please imagine for just a moment how heartbreaking it is when someone we trust violates us anyway.
"Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them." - Margaret Atwood
My dear deniers and eye-rollers who think it’s all hyperbole, what in the world do we gain from lying or even just exaggerating?
At a Tech Tuesday meeting, I happened upon a conversation about safety features on the Uber app.
As someone who doesn’t drive in a metropolitan area of five million people, I use Uber a lot. I was thrilled to learn about a particular safety feature - live tracking links you can share with anyone. I had been sending screenshots of the driver with their first names, the license plate, and the make and model of the car to friends who also have access to my google location.
I excitedly shared this update with two web developers.
Gentleman web developer #1: sighing with heavy disappointment, didn't get defensive.
“I'm sorry we live in a world where that's necessary for women. That’s not fair.”
Less gentlemanly web developer #2: instantly defensive and irritated, interrupted with an anecdote.
“But didn’t you hear about those two male drivers who got attacked? It’s dangerous for men too.”
I was too frustrated in the moment to try and talk him down and reassure him: I don't want that either. We don't want anyone to get hurt. But it wasn't about statistical exceptions in that moment. It was about the ubiquity of danger women face everywhere in their daily lives. And those male drivers were attacked by other men. The defensive gentleman wasn’t disproving the danger women face, he was amplifying my point - some men can be dangerous.
Women and girls face far more danger EVERY time we leave the house - day or night, Uber or church, work or school, bars, libraries, or grocery stores.
And a triggered developer, safe in the company of predominantly other men, couldn’t even acknowledge that let alone share some compassion for the hypervigilance we are burdened with just for being born female.
Our best hope for macro-level change is micro-level social consequences for individual men - from other men. Plural, not just one "woke" "social justice warrior" a defensive man can dismiss as "sensitivity police".
Not seminars or even Ted Talks, many of which I am grateful for from my soul, but discomfort in the private and professional lives of individual men who sexualize conversations, who can’t stop making “harmless” jokes, and who exploit would-be neutral places for flirting shortcuts like work, church, civic groups, intramural teams, etc.
If your bros think you’re a douchebag it’s less easy to blow them off as nags or feminazis. You don’t have to preach, gentlemen. This can be as simple as raised eyebrows and a “Not cool, man” and immediately changing the subject.
If your coworkers think you’re a creep you might start to worry about your job, about potential promotions, and you might be motivated to change your reputation.
Men have to stand up for women at work. They have to call out peers, supervisors, and subordinates. Again, preaching is almost always counterproductive. But at a bare minimum, don’t laugh along. Roll your eyes, furrow your brow, or walk away without responding. Don’t be more worried about the possibility of being called the PC police or a pussy than you are about how “harmless” jokes and sexualized conversations create hostile situations for women.
And men have to talk among generations within our families too. That includes your uncle or your grandpa who’s “from a different generation” or “too set in his ways”.
The responsibility for safety and social change should not be borne by women and girls. We are emotionally and spiritually exhausted from always playing defense. Which doesn’t always protect us anyway.
Men and boys need to stop playing offense and change the game. Everyone should be safe. Period.
Women shouldn’t have to endure “men behaving badly” and cure it.